sick of being me
Today I am just so sick of being me.
I have had enough of this struggle and pain.
I feel so alone right now. Which is incredibly challenging living with five other people. I am part of it all but so very not. I hear their voices and laughter and feel so very removed. Inside I am just screaming and just want somebody to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
I have had so many years of these up and down days. Days when I feel amazing and joyous and in love with the world and then these dark black days when I feel the world is against me and would be a happier place If I wasn’t here.
I feel I am causing so much pain and sadness to my family and think when I am in this space that they would be much better off without me. I know that this is not true but it is how I feel.
It is days like this that I just want to be normal and not this fragile, broken creature that I feel I am today.
But I cant end this, I know that, and can understand why many do.
How much pain,sadness, longing and anguish can one person feel.
So I sit at the beach, my special place and I write and I cry. The beach is such a constant for me, dependable and sure, the polar opposite to my life and it makes me feel safe and loved.
I think of my children and my place in this world and all that I want to do and know that this feeling will pass as it always does and will be just another layer of my past shed. Then I can be joyous again and revel in the newness of discovering yet more of me that will emerge from this dark day.
“It is never to late to be what you might have been” George Eliot
PAIN
Is there something in pain that challenges the mind and makes you feel like you are disjointed and not part of the world around you.
For me this seems to be the way far too often.
Pain in my body that seems to be with me on my waking breath, eases as I am consumed with my daily goings on but then reclaims my joy once I have put my kids to bed.
It is all encompassing and consuming and both saddens and overwhelms me.
It is like trying to tell me something and for the life of me I cant quite figure it out, and while it is so intense find myself confused and with no real direction.
Over the past four years my body has been in so much pain on and off, there always seems to be something going on, something to grow and learn from.
But at times, like now when it is at its worst and totally clouds my day I need to go deep inside and figure out what is going on.
Today I feel so very saddened and burdened by my life and my normal clear direction and drive has faltered. My path that seemed so clear only a week ago seems overgrown and laden with obstacles making me reconsider my previous options.
This is a time to reflect on the beautiful things that this journey of life has to offer me and look for that sunshine and feel its rays shine down and empower me once again.
I have found my voice
My name is Samara, and I have found my voice. A voice I never dreamed that I could possess.
Only the threat of a life changing illness gave me the realisation that I can no longer remain silent.
Is it the thought of sickness or even death that makes us grow, evolve and change our outlook on life. Maybe, maybe not, but in my case it did just that.
My story of childhood abuse was to remain locked within my body and my heart, until the time came that I would write a book but under a pen name only.
Was this to protect myself, my family, my abusers? I am not entirely sure.
To be honest I think that I was ashamed.
Ashamed of all I had endured and of all that I was.
This past month has enabled me to let go of just a bit of this shame. Just enough to explore the possibility of sharing my journey as me.
Sickness has certainly pushed me to realise that I have no real choice. To truly heal and find the real me, to finally love and accept me for who I am and just how far I have come, I need to do this.
This blog will be the continuation of my journey which I will share with you. I am hoping that you can relate and connect to some of the things that I will write about and share my voice with me.
Abuse is a silent shame and I am not alone I realise this, nor am I special or different. This is just my journey about finding me and healing myself.
Years ago I was hell bent on changing the world and making a big difference, but now my focus is so much simpler.
First I need to heal myself and then and only then can I finally find the real me and worry about the bigger picture.
The last few years of my life have been a rollercoaster of pain, heartache, so many tears I could fill an ocean, love joy and so much hope. Counselling and an amazing support team have been my saviour and have given me my life back.
The journey has been incredibly hard but also amazingly enlightening.
I am a proud mum of two gorgeous children and live with my loving partner and his two children.
I am a massage therapist, reiki practitioner and am currently completing a diploma in holistic living counselling.
I am also slowly writing my book!!
I love the beach, yoga, horses, my dog lucy, my friends, music, dancing, good wine and great food. I love nature and the outdoors and find the beach is the place that heals me and makes me feel whole.
My family is my grounding point and gives meaning to all that I do. This has been the hardest but most beautiful part of my journey. Just to accept that I am now part of something I have always wanted is still a struggle at times.
So that is a little bit about me, Samara.
I am a survivor, yes I am.
A success they say, I am struggling with that one still.
But I am here, I now have a voice and am winning in this game of life.
Please share my journey with me.
“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart” Helen Keller
