joyous

sick of being me

Published December 18, 2012 | By Samara

healing-samara

 

Today I am just so sick of being me.

I have had enough of this struggle and pain.

I feel so alone right now.  Which is incredibly challenging living with five other people.  I am part of it all but so very not.  I hear their voices and laughter and feel so very removed.  Inside I am just screaming and just want somebody to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

I have had so many years of these up and down days.  Days when I feel amazing and joyous and in love with the world and then these dark black days when I feel the world is against me and would be a happier place If I wasn’t here.

I feel I am causing so much pain and sadness to my family and think when I am in this space that they would be much better off without me.  I know that this is not true but it is how I feel.

It is days like this that I just want to be normal and not this fragile, broken creature that I feel I am today.

But I cant end this, I know that, and can understand why many do.

How much pain,sadness, longing and anguish can one person feel.

So I sit at the beach, my special place and I write and I cry.  The beach is such a constant for me, dependable and sure, the polar opposite to my life and it makes me feel safe and loved.

I think of my children and my place in this world and all that I want to do and know that this feeling will pass as it always does and will be just another layer of my past shed.  Then I can be joyous again and revel in the newness of discovering yet more of me that will emerge from this dark day.

“It is never to late to be what you might have been” George Eliot

 

 

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The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart — Helen Keller

About Me

My life really began for me with the birth of my first child.

I had endured and survived a childhood filled with abuse and had always felt different to everybody else, an outsider. The love I felt for my children began to unlock so many feeling and memories and so my journey began.

That was eight years ago now and what a time that has been, filled with so much pain, sickness and sadness, joy, wonderment and love. So many hidden and repressed memories were unlocked, revealing more abuse, sexual, physical and emotional, hatred, anger, shame and silence.

I sit here now so proud of myself for coming so far and realise that this journey is far from over and may well never be.

This blog is my voice which has been silent for too long, kept inside of me as a big toxic secret.

I am a great mum and love and adore my children. They have captured my heart and helped me to open up in ways I never thought possible. I have shared and delighted in their childhood more than they will ever realise.

We are a loving and very close family of three, having just recently seperated from my partner of three years. It was an extremely hard decision to make, breaking up the family I had always dreamed of but knew our lives had taken a very different path and it was time to be true to what I wanted for myself and my children and move on.

I am a massage therapist studying a diploma in holistic living counselling and so very grateful for all that life has to offer me and for a the chance to create a future so very different from my past. Am I happy?

A lot of the time I am, sometimes I am not so sure and just feel a little distant and numb and there are days that are just overwhelming and such a struggle.

But I am a survivor and have so much love, hope and strength within me that I will find the real me, release my past and connect and help others through my work to do the same.

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