Today I am just so sick of being me.

I have had enough of this struggle and pain.

I feel so alone right now.  Which is incredibly challenging living with five other people.  I am part of it all but so very not.  I hear their voices and laughter and feel so very removed.  Inside I am just screaming and just want somebody to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.

I have had so many years of these up and down days.  Days when I feel amazing and joyous and in love with the world and then these dark black days when I feel the world is against me and would be a happier place If I wasn’t here.

I feel I am causing so much pain and sadness to my family and think when I am in this space that they would be much better off without me.  I know that this is not true but it is how I feel.

It is days like this that I just want to be normal and not this fragile, broken creature that I feel I am today.

But I cant end this, I know that, and can understand why many do.

How much pain,sadness, longing and anguish can one person feel.

So I sit at the beach, my special place and I write and I cry.  The beach is such a constant for me, dependable and sure, the polar opposite to my life and it makes me feel safe and loved.

I think of my children and my place in this world and all that I want to do and know that this feeling will pass as it always does and will be just another layer of my past shed.  Then I can be joyous again and revel in the newness of discovering yet more of me that will emerge from this dark day.

“It is never to late to be what you might have been” George Eliot