Today as I sat at his grave I felt so very alone.

To have no family left was the stangest realisation for me.

No-one except for my kids in this whole world that I can relay or depend on, go to for love and support in a family way.

I sat there and cried such tears of sadness, grief and sorrow.

One day I will find somebody to love me, I don’t want to be on this journey alone forever.

I understand that for now I need to be on this path by myself, find my way, discover to it’s full extent who I really am and where  I need to be without the hindrance and distraction of a relationship.

I feel that I have always wanted somebody to love me for me, cherish and adore me, to keep my safe.  I so want to come home to somebody with strong arms at night to hold me tight.  To have somebody so very special to share my hopes and dreams with.

To walk together in this precious gift of life.

For now although saddened and alone I feel peaceful.  Knowing that I have much to get through yet before I reach this place.

I will take each day as it comes, learning, growing and evolving until it is my time to connect with another in the way I have always dreamed of.

It is so very hard not to feel shamed and unworthy having the childhood that I did.

It was dark, violent and traumatic, filled with abuse, hatred, anger and guilt.

I have struggled my whole life to escape my past and recreate my future, to stop this vicious cycle and be all that I can be in this second chance that I have been given.

And I am winning, very much so.

I still have my days when I want to hide from the harshness of the world, retreat to the safety of me, and then others like today when I feel my personal power shining bright and strong.

To feel such pride, honour and acceptance of who I am and finding my place in this game called life.

1/   I am just about to move into a more healing role with my work and although I feel that it is perfect for me and the path I must take it will be very confronting for me and I am fearful that I cannot do this.

2/   I experience days when life feels like one massive struggle, with triggers from my past creating such torment and pain it feels like a never ending cycle.  As time passes my journey is becoming easier but my daily support work is vital in keeping me focused and on track to creating the life that I have always dreamt of.

3/  I am very very slowly writing a book and this has been a dream of mine since I was 16 years old.

4/   Most of my childhood was repressed.  Using the pain that presented itself in my body I worked with healers and counsellors to slowly unlock these hidden memories to reveal my past.  It has been the hardest but most freeing experience of my life.

5/   Being a mum has been the most confronting and challenging role that I have ever had to play, and the most rewarding.  My children have captured my heart and helped me to open up in ways that I never thought possible.  I have shared and delighted in their childhood more than they will ever realise.

6/  I didn’t really start writing until I was diagnosed with cancer.  I thought that this gave me credibility and a reason to start a blog.  Upon finding out that my situation wasn’t as dire as we had originally thought although very releaved I felt lost and let down as the thought of writing and connecting with and audience and sharing my journey seemed to me what I had to do.  After weeks of soul searching I realised that my getting so very sick had led me to become more of who I really am and I began to write… I had found my voice which had been silent for so many years.

7/  I have days where I feel so incredibly strong, almost invincible.  Like nothing in this world could touch me and I am capable of achieving anything that I set my mind to.

8/  I write most of my blogs in a quick 10 or 15 minute burst.  I tend not to change them much as they come out better as I write them down.  To edit them seems to lose their original power and meaning.

9/  3am seems to be my power hour and often sees me with pen in one hand and a cuppa in the other.

10/ With my blog I feel a passion to share my journey, my struggles, pain and joy.  To help people to realise that it is possible to reacreate a life very different from their past and we are given the chance to do this every day.

11/  Writing for me is a release, my love and my passion and what truly makes my heart sing.  It brings me home to me.

12/ Years ago I wanted to write beautiful songs but lacking a great voice and guitar skills I passed that one by.

13/ This year has been a big one for me filled with self discovery and emergence and I am finally learning how to be restful and allow myself the time to go within and appreciate the feeling of peace.

14/ The pictures on my blog are all photos taken by me at various local beaches.  I wanted to create a blog that had a connection and deep meaning for me with a visual theme that resonated throughout.

15/ I adore feedback and connecting with people who read my blog.  So many times their comments have left me feeling overwhelmed and in tears so very grateful and blessed to be doing this.

16/I am hopelessly computer illiterate but am slowly learning not by choice but by necessity.

17/ I try to lead and inspired life full of love and light and am so excited by  all that lies before me.

18/ My secret dream is to live on a beautiful property and have an attic space or little bungalow that I can have as my special creative space.

19/ I would love to expand my blog following, connect to a forum and include more inspirational pieces to inspire and motivate people to start their journey or to keep going when it all feels too hard.

20/ I want to feel comfortable with love, to both give and receive, and to allow myself to submerge within its depths and wash over me feeling totally worthy of all the good that I have in my life.

This moment has every ability to transcend into eternity.  It’s perfection in every way renders me speechless.

Enamoured by it’s beauty and significance I float on gossamer wings, light and surreal.

I fear not for the future as now feels so divinely right…  sacred and pure.

Bet it the first day to forever matters not.  I succumb to it’s power and it’s truth and allow it to lead me forth.

This precious moment is all that matters.

I find myself today feeling very much like the world is a happier, sunnier place.

Something happened yesterday that I feel may have changed me in a very unexpected yet most welcome way.

I feel a tingle in my veins, a warmth spreading within me that is joyous and alive.

I can feel a chink has been removed from the heavy layer that surrounds my heart.

Butterflies play within my stomach and I feel beautiful, cherished and womanly.  Almost ready to surrender to what will be and enjoy a most sweet and special ride.

To have finally found me in this crazy journey, to have come home to what may lie within.  To allow myself to feel for another and totally accept myself is such a beautiful and wondrous feeling.

To see what others see and finally trust and believe in their truth, my truth and all that I am.

I am worthy, I do deserve and want this so very much.

Poetry and prose spring forth from my heart to be released by my hand like a cascading and delicate waterfall.

To think that I had all of this hidden beneath my depths, my pain and wounds, this love, this beauty and emotion renders me speechless.

For this is the real me, this is truly who I am and who I very much want to be.

Before me life has presented a very special gift, and unwrapping it will be a most pleasurable journey.  I wait now in anticipation of what this moment shall bring.