I want out, to escape and be free. The idea of leaving this constant pain is for me a dream come true.

I don’t think that I can endure any more, this day is filled with such darkness and toment it is suffocating and completely overwhelming.

I watch others go about their lives, simple, easy, enjoying the day, work, coffee with friends, relaxing at night with family. This to me seems like the ultimate fantasy. To wake up and not have to prepare myself for the day ahead, each and every trigger that will knock me down, shake my fragile castle. For taking all the strength that I have, and this is a lot to just keep my head above water and my shit together long enough to make it to the end of the day.

Some say that to choose to end ones life is a cowardly act but they know nothing of this journey and have no right to judge. I have been there and I know, it is when I feel that I cause so much pain to those around me that I want to leave, stop this torture of myself and those that I love, for they are all effected, taken into my darkness at times and this causes my more pain.

To endure constant darkness and pain day after day year after year becomes a sentance and you just want to be free, blissfully free.

My head is compounding and I can’t go on today, tears of panic and frustration roll down my cheeks.

I try so bloody hard each and every day, it is a constant and I never give up as I want so much to feel that happiness and joy that I dream of.

Enough is enough, I want so much more.

I won’t leave, won’t give up, my kids mean to much to me, they are my greatest gift, my life and often the only reason that I endure all that I do.

But I want to scream right now and not stop, just to be normal for one day, not have to fight so hard.

To be held, loved, told that all will be okay, supported, loved and adored. I know that I need to give this love to myself and I do my best but on days like today I just want someone to stand by my side and tell me all be be alright.

I see no end, no light, not even a tunnel.

There is only bleak, nothing and I am sinking low.

I have nobody around me that understands me or can relate and I feel so alone.

I just want to hang on, wish and hope for this to pass, as I know it will and a shard of light to be my beacon for a better tomorrow.