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Parenting the sensitive child whilst parenting yourself

Samara — Mon, 16 Nov 2015 01:27:42 +0000

Parenting yourself, healing your needy inner child is a massive task when faced with dependants that are highly sensitive like my two are. It is a massive balancing act often requiring every ounce of inner strength, knowledge and intuition that I possess just to keep my family’s ship afloat. Having just come through a massive couple of weeks myself and really needing some healing, nurturing time to recoup we hit this weekend in full recovery mode all three of us ready to embrace a bit of time together doing the things that we love. For us this is regular requirement and the balance between being out there socialising and doing regular activities and then coming back to be hermits and recharge in our home, our space of safety and love is a pretty standard juggling act that most of the time I have a pretty good handle on. Not so this weekend, be it lack of judgement, letting my needs take precedent, or being just too emotional or tired to have made a better decision I am not sure but it all ended in tears, frustration and all of us feeling that our needs hadn’t been fully met. I myself often need a lot of time alone to go through my stuff, to connect, just to recharge and my kids are the same. The world is often a really tough place to cope with being a senstive person and having the wonderful ability to feel peoples emotions and take on the energies of the world, especially in times of such trauma and hatred can be extremely damaging and need time to repair. So my story goes as such, after sharing the most beautiful healing day with one of my children, the other enjoyed a day out with friends, I was driving home so proud of me for getting through such a big day. Any days that connect with my past and that I share with my children can be quite challenging and require so much releasing and preparation beforehand just so that I can get through the day. I was fine until afterwards and felt the dark shadows start to cloud over me, bringing up stuff that needed an outlet. One of my children was also being sensitive, whether to my emotions as we are so connected or dealing with her own from such a big day. The other was dissapointed for missing out and wanted to share and know all about it. A phone call came and the offer from beautiful friends of ours to have dinner and I consulted with my little people and away we went. For me I was craving this interaction and connection to my friends, the joy of being invited to share dinner and company and feeling included and part of something that we all love and knew my kids felt the same. Normally I would think a little more, ponder the possibilites of over stimulation, my youngest really needing this connection time after a day away and my oldest just doing too much. So we all went, had a gorgeous few hours enjoying the feelings of family and laugher. Once we got home it all fell apart, they both wanted me and needed me so much and my own inner child was screaming for some time aswell. There were tears, accusations, anger and so much emotion I just wanted to run and hide, press some magical mute button. So I sat with each one in turn, talked rubbed and connected with them, but it was not enough, some times nothing is enough. I felt useless, upset, unvalidated and so dissapointed to end such a beautiful weekend as we did and to us all go to bed feeling sad. So we started the today feeling a little wounded, me as mum feeling that I could have done more, made better choices, angry with myself for having needs that made me feel like it was a choice between my kids and myself at times, which in truth it is. For me it is so vitally important to have time to deal with my own stuff which can be ugly and dark and not something that I want to even share the energy of close to my kids. I am also human and need and crave certain things at times that may disrupt the fine balance that our life can be and that is okay. Well I am trying to convince myself it is, in reality I still feel that I have let them down and myself. To provide for all of our needs can be at times a seemingly impossible task and try to always keep there tanks full and some in reserve for times when it all gets too much. In truth they are amazing little being that have the most incredible way of feeling and connecting to the world and others and with this comes the need to nurture and protect those emotions and feelings and this is where I come in as their parent. It isn’t the easiest road and one that at times leaves me wondering why me?? we all learn and grow from each of these times and this morning was one of them. Having reluctantly dropped them off at school knowing that we have a bit of repair work to do we made a pact to create sleep dates together as a regular thing allowing each child to sleep in with me, read, watch a movie etc as this is their most favoured way to recharge and feel loved and secure and for me often my most challenging time. So we will see how this goes, schedule often works well for me so that I can prepare in advance and enjoy the times spent together just being there in full for them. So that is my little share, my lesson for this day. Sending a big hug to all those out there who are parents of sensitive, gifted, special needs children, the label isn’t important, you have the most important, beautiful yet also the hardest, most frustrating and at times seemingly impossible task that there is and can feel so very much alone. This post was to let you know that you are not, I am there in spirit, sending you love and encouragement as I know you would to me, we are all trying our best on any given day and that is all that we can do. Each experience helps us to grow as a family unit and teaches us about ourselves, our needs and allows us to set new boundaries and create routines that better suit our lifestyle. Life is certainly a roller coaster at times and it is our ability to embrace this wild ride for all of it’s ups and downs that can bring us the greatest joy xx

Freedom

Samara — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 04:16:32 +0000

I want out, to escape and be free. The idea of leaving this constant pain is for me a dream come true.

I don’t think that I can endure any more, this day is filled with such darkness and toment it is suffocating and completely overwhelming.

I watch others go about their lives, simple, easy, enjoying the day, work, coffee with friends, relaxing at night with family. This to me seems like the ultimate fantasy. To wake up and not have to prepare myself for the day ahead, each and every trigger that will knock me down, shake my fragile castle. For taking all the strength that I have, and this is a lot to just keep my head above water and my shit together long enough to make it to the end of the day.

Some say that to choose to end ones life is a cowardly act but they know nothing of this journey and have no right to judge. I have been there and I know, it is when I feel that I cause so much pain to those around me that I want to leave, stop this torture of myself and those that I love, for they are all effected, taken into my darkness at times and this causes my more pain.

To endure constant darkness and pain day after day year after year becomes a sentance and you just want to be free, blissfully free.

My head is compounding and I can’t go on today, tears of panic and frustration roll down my cheeks.

I try so bloody hard each and every day, it is a constant and I never give up as I want so much to feel that happiness and joy that I dream of.

Enough is enough, I want so much more.

I won’t leave, won’t give up, my kids mean to much to me, they are my greatest gift, my life and often the only reason that I endure all that I do.

But I want to scream right now and not stop, just to be normal for one day, not have to fight so hard.

To be held, loved, told that all will be okay, supported, loved and adored. I know that I need to give this love to myself and I do my best but on days like today I just want someone to stand by my side and tell me all be be alright.

I see no end, no light, not even a tunnel.

There is only bleak, nothing and I am sinking low.

I have nobody around me that understands me or can relate and I feel so alone.

I just want to hang on, wish and hope for this to pass, as I know it will and a shard of light to be my beacon for a better tomorrow.

This moment

Samara — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 00:49:37 +0000

The beauty of this single moment surpasses the dark of my days and brings me back to the light.

Love and gratitude fill every void and I feel free and very much alive.

Having lived so much of my life like disconnected the feeling of actually taking part and experiencing is profound and enriching.

I am alive, totally living and feeling this here and now. My heart and soul swell in appreciation for each second, minute and hour that goes by.

That I can maintain this for any extended period of time feels doubtful so I soak up all that I can while I am able.

I will draw on this moment when I am lost again in the shadows and hope that it’s strength and beauty will draw me back.

To dream a dream

Samara — Sat, 30 May 2015 01:30:42 +0000

In the stillness of the night she wakes, sweating, clawing, struggling to breath.
Panicked, distraught she fights against all that binds her.
Exhausted she lays pondering her next move, as calmness descends over her soul she is encapsulated by a vision.
Beauty, freedom, love and light, peace, happiness and joy.
These gifts are hers for the taking.
She ponders, fearful, scared and untrusting.
It is all that she has dreamt of, yet she lays frozen with fear.
Could she, should she, would she?
The temptation is overwhelming yet her doubt holds her still.
Ever so gently she moves, from the stillness of the night.
Slowly, gently, like a chrysalis emerging, one breath, just one fills her lungs with hope and joy.
She gains strength, trust and moves forth, stronger, braver and more sure.
Faith surges through her as she fully emerges, resplendant in all of her beauty.
Her wings spread in an acceptance of this place, her home, her peace.
She takes flight,strengthened by love and light to move forth in this journey of life.

Always choose love xx

Samara — Sat, 30 May 2015 01:23:29 +0000

I had one of those days today when I woke up so fearful of what the day held, my future, so many choices to be made, hurdles to overcome just in order to reach for my dreams of happiness..I don’t want for much, yet sometimes those small things seem an unsurmountable task to achieve and fear keeps me frozen, possibly even going backwards to a place that I no longer wish to be..I am sure that some of you can relate??

So today I had two choices, let fear rule the roost and stay where I am unwilling to be open to all that the universe has in store for me or choose the opposite emotion, one just as powerful but cabable of helping you achieve your dreams, and that is love.. love to me sometimes seems like a foreign emotion, I find it hard to connect and don’t always feel comfortable in this space..I love my kids without a doubt but when it comes to putting that feeling to others part of my life, myself included I am definitely on my L plates..but today I chose it anyway..sick of letting fear takes its normal course. I put myself back to a place where I had felt this love for something or someone, hand on my heart and really connected. I let the light come in and felt the love really surge from my being to start and infuse my day, and it felt really good. Really, really, good. I got up feeling hopeful, not quite ready to take on the world, but certainly in a much better space than the one in which I had awoken. So they are my words of wisdom for the day, choose love guys, give fear the flick even if just for a day, and let the sun shine down to warm you world and give your dreams a chance to come true, no matter how big or small xxx

Alone

Samara — Sun, 03 Aug 2014 12:02:48 +0000

Today as I sat at his grave I felt so very alone.

To have no family left was the stangest realisation for me.

No-one except for my kids in this whole world that I can relay or depend on, go to for love and support in a family way.

I sat there and cried such tears of sadness, grief and sorrow.

One day I will find somebody to love me, I don’t want to be on this journey alone forever.

I understand that for now I need to be on this path by myself, find my way, discover to it’s full extent who I really am and where I need to be without the hindrance and distraction of a relationship.

I feel that I have always wanted somebody to love me for me, cherish and adore me, to keep my safe. I so want to come home to somebody with strong arms at night to hold me tight. To have somebody so very special to share my hopes and dreams with.

To walk together in this precious gift of life.

For now although saddened and alone I feel peaceful. Knowing that I have much to get through yet before I reach this place.

I will take each day as it comes, learning, growing and evolving until it is my time to connect with another in the way I have always dreamed of.

Self Acceptance

Samara — Sun, 03 Aug 2014 11:54:36 +0000

It is so very hard not to feel shamed and unworthy having the childhood that I did.

It was dark, violent and traumatic, filled with abuse, hatred, anger and guilt.

I have struggled my whole life to escape my past and recreate my future, to stop this vicious cycle and be all that I can be in this second chance that I have been given.

And I am winning, very much so.

I still have my days when I want to hide from the harshness of the world, retreat to the safety of me, and then others like today when I feel my personal power shining bright and strong.

To feel such pride, honour and acceptance of who I am and finding my place in this game called life.

20 Things that you didn’t know about me

Samara — Wed, 16 Oct 2013 10:52:14 +0000

1/ I am just about to move into a more healing role with my work and although I feel that it is perfect for me and the path I must take it will be very confronting for me and I am fearful that I cannot do this.

2/ I experience days when life feels like one massive struggle, with triggers from my past creating such torment and pain it feels like a never ending cycle. As time passes my journey is becoming easier but my daily support work is vital in keeping me focused and on track to creating the life that I have always dreamt of.

3/ I am very very slowly writing a book and this has been a dream of mine since I was 16 years old.

4/ Most of my childhood was repressed. Using the pain that presented itself in my body I worked with healers and counsellors to slowly unlock these hidden memories to reveal my past. It has been the hardest but most freeing experience of my life.

5/ Being a mum has been the most confronting and challenging role that I have ever had to play, and the most rewarding. My children have captured my heart and helped me to open up in ways that I never thought possible. I have shared and delighted in their childhood more than they will ever realise.

6/ I didn’t really start writing until I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought that this gave me credibility and a reason to start a blog. Upon finding out that my situation wasn’t as dire as we had originally thought although very releaved I felt lost and let down as the thought of writing and connecting with and audience and sharing my journey seemed to me what I had to do. After weeks of soul searching I realised that my getting so very sick had led me to become more of who I really am and I began to write… I had found my voice which had been silent for so many years.

7/ I have days where I feel so incredibly strong, almost invincible. Like nothing in this world could touch me and I am capable of achieving anything that I set my mind to.

8/ I write most of my blogs in a quick 10 or 15 minute burst. I tend not to change them much as they come out better as I write them down. To edit them seems to lose their original power and meaning.

9/ 3am seems to be my power hour and often sees me with pen in one hand and a cuppa in the other.

10/ With my blog I feel a passion to share my journey, my struggles, pain and joy. To help people to realise that it is possible to reacreate a life very different from their past and we are given the chance to do this every day.

11/ Writing for me is a release, my love and my passion and what truly makes my heart sing. It brings me home to me.

12/ Years ago I wanted to write beautiful songs but lacking a great voice and guitar skills I passed that one by.

13/ This year has been a big one for me filled with self discovery and emergence and I am finally learning how to be restful and allow myself the time to go within and appreciate the feeling of peace.

14/ The pictures on my blog are all photos taken by me at various local beaches. I wanted to create a blog that had a connection and deep meaning for me with a visual theme that resonated throughout.

15/ I adore feedback and connecting with people who read my blog. So many times their comments have left me feeling overwhelmed and in tears so very grateful and blessed to be doing this.

16/I am hopelessly computer illiterate but am slowly learning not by choice but by necessity.

17/ I try to lead and inspired life full of love and light and am so excited by all that lies before me.

18/ My secret dream is to live on a beautiful property and have an attic space or little bungalow that I can have as my special creative space.

19/ I would love to expand my blog following, connect to a forum and include more inspirational pieces to inspire and motivate people to start their journey or to keep going when it all feels too hard.

20/ I want to feel comfortable with love, to both give and receive, and to allow myself to submerge within its depths and wash over me feeling totally worthy of all the good that I have in my life.

Now

Samara — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 11:54:43 +0000

This moment has every ability to transcend into eternity. It’s perfection in every way renders me speechless.

Enamoured by it’s beauty and significance I float on gossamer wings, light and surreal.

I fear not for the future as now feels so divinely right… sacred and pure.

Bet it the first day to forever matters not. I succumb to it’s power and it’s truth and allow it to lead me forth.

This precious moment is all that matters.

Butterflies

Samara — Tue, 30 Jul 2013 02:24:06 +0000

I find myself today feeling very much like the world is a happier, sunnier place.

Something happened yesterday that I feel may have changed me in a very unexpected yet most welcome way.

I feel a tingle in my veins, a warmth spreading within me that is joyous and alive.

I can feel a chink has been removed from the heavy layer that surrounds my heart.

Butterflies play within my stomach and I feel beautiful, cherished and womanly. Almost ready to surrender to what will be and enjoy a most sweet and special ride.

To have finally found me in this crazy journey, to have come home to what may lie within. To allow myself to feel for another and totally accept myself is such a beautiful and wondrous feeling.

To see what others see and finally trust and believe in their truth, my truth and all that I am.

I am worthy, I do deserve and want this so very much.

Poetry and prose spring forth from my heart to be released by my hand like a cascading and delicate waterfall.

To think that I had all of this hidden beneath my depths, my pain and wounds, this love, this beauty and emotion renders me speechless.

For this is the real me, this is truly who I am and who I very much want to be.

Before me life has presented a very special gift, and unwrapping it will be a most pleasurable journey. I wait now in anticipation of what this moment shall bring.