Parenting yourself, healing your needy inner child is a massive task when faced with dependants that are highly sensitive like my two are. It is a massive balancing act often requiring every ounce of inner strength, knowledge and intuition that I possess just to keep my family’s ship afloat. Having just come through a massive couple of weeks myself and really needing some healing, nurturing time to recoup we hit this weekend in full recovery mode all three of us ready to embrace a bit of time together doing the things that we love.  For us this is regular requirement and the balance between being out there socialising and doing regular activities and then coming back to be hermits and recharge in our home, our space of safety and love is a pretty standard juggling act that most of the time I have a pretty good handle on.  Not so this weekend, be it lack of judgement, letting my needs take precedent, or being just too emotional or tired to have made a better decision I am not sure but it all ended in tears, frustration and all of us feeling that our needs hadn’t been fully met.  I myself often need a lot of time alone to go through my stuff, to connect, just to recharge and my kids are the same.  The world is often a really tough place to cope with being a senstive person and having the wonderful ability to feel peoples emotions and take on the energies of the world, especially in times of such trauma and hatred  can be extremely damaging and need time to repair.  So my story goes as such, after sharing the most beautiful healing day with one of my children, the other enjoyed a day out with friends, I was driving home so proud of me for getting through such a big day.  Any days that connect with my past and that I share with my children can be quite challenging and require so much releasing and preparation beforehand just so that I can get through the day. I was fine until afterwards and felt the dark shadows start to cloud over me, bringing up stuff that needed an outlet. One of my children was also being sensitive, whether to my emotions as we are so connected or dealing with her own from such a big day.  The other was dissapointed for missing out and wanted to share and know all about it. A phone call came and the offer from beautiful friends of ours to have dinner and I consulted with my little people and away we went.  For me I was craving this interaction and connection to my friends, the joy of being invited to share dinner and company and feeling included and part of something that we all love and knew my kids felt the same.  Normally I would think a little more, ponder the possibilites of over stimulation, my youngest really needing this connection time after a day away and my oldest just doing too much.  So we all went, had a gorgeous few hours enjoying the feelings of family and laugher.  Once we got home it all fell apart, they both wanted me and needed me so much and my own inner child was screaming for some time aswell. There were tears, accusations, anger and so much emotion I just wanted to run and hide, press some magical mute button.  So I sat with each one in turn, talked rubbed and connected with them, but it was not enough, some times nothing is enough. I felt useless, upset, unvalidated and so dissapointed to end such a beautiful weekend as we did and to us all go to bed feeling sad.  So we started the today feeling a little wounded, me as mum feeling that I could have done more, made better choices, angry with myself for having needs that made me feel like it was a choice between my kids and myself at times, which in truth it is. For me it is so vitally important to have time to deal with my own stuff which can be ugly and dark and not something that I want to even share the energy of close to my kids.  I am also human and need and crave certain things at times that may disrupt the fine balance that our life can be and that is okay.  Well I am trying to convince myself it is, in reality I still feel that I have let them down and myself. To provide for all of our needs can be at times a seemingly impossible task and try to always keep there tanks full and some in reserve for times when it all gets too much. In truth they are amazing little being that have the most incredible way of feeling and connecting to the world and others and with this comes the need to nurture and protect those emotions and feelings and this is where I come in as their parent. It isn’t the easiest road and one that at times leaves me wondering why me?? we all learn and grow from each of these times and this morning was one of them.  Having reluctantly dropped them off at school knowing that we have a bit of repair work to do we made a pact to create sleep dates together as a regular thing allowing each child to sleep in with me, read, watch a movie etc as this is their most favoured way to recharge and feel loved and secure and for me often my most challenging time.  So we will see how this goes, schedule often works well for me so that I can prepare in advance and enjoy the times spent together just being there in full for them. So that is my little share, my lesson for this day. Sending a big hug to all those out there who are parents of sensitive, gifted, special needs children,  the label isn’t important,  you have the most important, beautiful yet also the hardest, most frustrating and at times seemingly impossible task that there is and can feel so very much alone.  This post was to let you know that you are not, I am there in spirit, sending you love and encouragement as I know you would to me, we are all trying our best on any given day and that is all that we can do.  Each experience helps us to grow as a family unit and teaches us about ourselves, our needs and allows us to set new boundaries and create routines that better suit our lifestyle. Life is certainly a roller coaster at times and it is our ability to embrace this wild ride for all of it’s ups and downs that can bring us the greatest joy xx

The beauty of this single moment surpasses the dark of my days and brings me back to the light.

Love and gratitude fill every void and I feel free and very much alive.

Having lived so much of my life like disconnected the feeling of actually taking part and experiencing is profound and enriching.

I am alive, totally living and feeling this here and now. My heart and soul swell in appreciation for each second, minute and hour that goes by.

That I can maintain this for any extended period of time feels doubtful so I soak up all that I can while I am able.

I will draw on this moment when I am lost again in the shadows and hope that it’s strength and beauty will draw me back.

In the stillness of the night she wakes, sweating, clawing, struggling to breath.
Panicked, distraught she fights against all that binds her.
Exhausted she lays pondering her next move, as calmness descends over her soul she is encapsulated by a vision.
Beauty, freedom, love and light, peace, happiness and joy.
These gifts are hers for the taking.
She ponders, fearful, scared and untrusting.
It is all that she has dreamt of, yet she lays frozen with fear.
Could she, should she, would she?
The temptation is overwhelming yet her doubt holds her still.
Ever so gently she moves, from the stillness of the night.
Slowly, gently, like a chrysalis emerging, one breath, just one fills her lungs with hope and joy.
She gains strength, trust and moves forth, stronger, braver and more sure.
Faith surges through her as she fully emerges, resplendant in all of her beauty.
Her wings spread in an acceptance of this place, her home, her peace.
She takes flight,strengthened by love and light to move forth in this journey of life.

I had one of those days today when I woke up so fearful of what the day held, my future, so many choices to be made, hurdles to overcome just in order to reach for my dreams of happiness..I don’t want for much, yet sometimes those small things seem an unsurmountable task to achieve and fear keeps me frozen, possibly even going backwards to a place that I no longer wish to be..I am sure that some of you can relate??

So today I had two choices, let fear rule the roost and stay where I am unwilling to be open to all that the universe has in store for me or choose the opposite emotion, one just as powerful but cabable of helping you achieve your dreams, and that is love.. love to me sometimes seems like a foreign emotion, I find it hard to connect and don’t always feel comfortable in this space..I love my kids without a doubt but when it comes to putting that feeling to others part of my life, myself included I am definitely on my L plates..but today I chose it anyway..sick of letting fear takes its normal course. I put myself back to a place where I had felt this love for something or someone, hand on my heart and really connected. I let the light come in and felt the love really surge from my being to start and infuse my day, and it felt really good. Really, really, good. I got up feeling hopeful, not quite ready to take on the world, but certainly in a much better space than the one in which I had awoken. So they are my words of wisdom for the day, choose love guys, give fear the flick even if just for a day, and let the sun shine down to warm you world and give your dreams a chance to come true, no matter how big or small xxx