Alone

Published August 3, 2014 | By Samara

Today as I sat at his grave I felt so very alone.

To have no family left was the stangest realisation for me.

No-one except for my kids in this whole world that I can relay or depend on, go to for love and support in a family way.

I sat there and cried such tears of sadness, grief and sorrow.

One day I will find somebody to love me, I don’t want to be on this journey alone forever.

I understand that for now I need to be on this path by myself, find my way, discover to it’s full extent who I really am and where I need to be without the hindrance and distraction of a relationship.

I feel that I have always wanted somebody to love me for me, cherish and adore me, to keep my safe. I so want to come home to somebody with strong arms at night to hold me tight. To have somebody so very special to share my hopes and dreams with.

To walk together in this precious gift of life.

For now although saddened and alone I feel peaceful. Knowing that I have much to get through yet before I reach this place.

I will take each day as it comes, learning, growing and evolving until it is my time to connect with another in the way I have always dreamed of.

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About Me

My life really began for me with the birth of my first child.

I had endured and survived a childhood filled with abuse and had always felt different to everybody else, an outsider. The love I felt for my children began to unlock so many feeling and memories and so my journey began.

That was eight years ago now and what a time that has been, filled with so much pain, sickness and sadness, joy, wonderment and love. So many hidden and repressed memories were unlocked, revealing more abuse, sexual, physical and emotional, hatred, anger, shame and silence.

I sit here now so proud of myself for coming so far and realise that this journey is far from over and may well never be.

This blog is my voice which has been silent for too long, kept inside of me as a big toxic secret.

I am a great mum and love and adore my children. They have captured my heart and helped me to open up in ways I never thought possible. I have shared and delighted in their childhood more than they will ever realise.

We are a loving and very close family of three, having just recently seperated from my partner of three years. It was an extremely hard decision to make, breaking up the family I had always dreamed of but knew our lives had taken a very different path and it was time to be true to what I wanted for myself and my children and move on.

I am a massage therapist studying a diploma in holistic living counselling and so very grateful for all that life has to offer me and for a the chance to create a future so very different from my past. Am I happy?

A lot of the time I am, sometimes I am not so sure and just feel a little distant and numb and there are days that are just overwhelming and such a struggle.

But I am a survivor and have so much love, hope and strength within me that I will find the real me, release my past and connect and help others through my work to do the same.

Alone

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